Suburbia

Suburbia

            In the 1950’s June Cleaver set the standard for the American woman.  Today, post Women’s Rights Movement, the perfect woman is expected to have an education, a career, a family, and still have time to look good while doing it all.  Realistically, many women do not believe that there is enough time in the day to do everything that is expected of them, so they will go from one extreme to another.  But, it is possible to be a modern day June Cleaver.  Just follow these simple guidelines and you’ll soon be the poster girl for the Mrs. Suburbia competition, which as you may know, is hosted annually by the Jones’.

Appearance, obviously, is the first step toward transitioning yourself to perfection.  Retire your threadbare jeans, ratty sweatpants, and screen printed T-shirts, from now on you will be wearing nothing but knee length skirts, dress slacks, ugly cardigans and always a pearl necklace.  June Cleaver would be nothing without her pearls, and so would you.  Don’t have the money for a whole new wardrobe?  Not a problem, simply hit up the local Goodwill store and rummage through the racks of Grandma’s cast away clothes.  A good wife is a thrifty wife!  After your attire is suburban appropriate, the next makeover is you.  Letting anyone, including your husband, see you without makeup on should be treated as a capital offense.  Forget about the sloppy ponytails and hooker red lipstick.  From now on it is hair sprayed locks and shimmering lip gloss! 

Husband gets up at 6am you say?  Not a problem… simply set your alarm for an hour sooner, that will give you time to cook breakfast for your family!  Proper nutrition is a very important aspect of keeping your family healthy and happy.  Throw out those boxes of cereal and donate the frozen meals to a neighbor.  From now on, all meals served to your family will be prepared fresh and hot to order.  While you cannot prepare a hot lunch for them while they are at work or school, you must prepare a fresh lunch for them each morning while they eat breakfast.  If they request take out or fast food for dinner, you may secretly be grateful, but, you must pretend to act shocked and disgusted before you give into their whims.  Rest assured the pearls will not clash with the décor at Burger King.

            Simply because you have assimilated into Suburbia you may still reserve the right to cheer at your child’s sporting events; you just have to resist the urge to be obscene.  While it may be tempting to shove the referee’s yellow flag up his ass and out through his nose, violence is strictly prohibited while mimicking the life of a modern day Stepford Wife.  It is best to clap enthusiastically when appropriate, and to shove your hands in your pockets when it is not.  While in the company of other suburban mothers it is best to avoid providing grain for the gossip mill.  Actually, having your child in multiple sports and music lessons will raise your social standing.  If you manage to get your children to football, volleyball, piano lessons, guitar lessons, voice lessons, and Tae Kwon Do without accepting help from your spouse you will be treated with respect by your peers.

            Remember your wants, needs, and desires come second to those of your husbands and children’s.  If you are working on a project of your own and your husband wants to go hiking (for example) you must drop what you’re doing and go hiking for the good of the family.  Wear your pearls if you have to, just as a reminder of why you are doing it.  It doesn’t matter if he’s in better shape than your or if you have to jog to keep up with his long stride, you have to carefully pick your way along the dried out creek beds and animal trails that he chooses and you better pretend to have a good time.  There will be no bitching, complaining, or huffing and puffing about something you cannot change.  And, when you make it to the top of the mountain it won’t matter if you’re too sick from your fear of heights to eat, that simply means there will be more to fill your darling husband’s tummy.

At some point, your friends will start to miss the pre-suburbanite you.  They may make fun of your pearls.  Your children and husband will start to become weary of the new, improved, better dressed and always smiling you.  You, too, may also begin to covet your daughter’s denim blue jeans and your son’s smelly sneakers.  You can peek into the back of the closet at the 5” red “ @#!$ me ” heels that you wore last Valentine’s Day, but do not give into the temptation to throw the pearls into oncoming traffic.  If you take the time to notice, you will see that people around you are starting to treat you differently.  Your friends won’t cut their eyes over to you with weary amusement when they say something like “One slip of my hand and it was all over.”  The employees at the grocery store will come to assist you without you having to hunt them down.  You will notice that people are treating you like a lady.

Once your family members realize that you’re sticking to your plan of becoming the perfect housewife and mother, they will get used to the idea that your sole purpose in life is to spoil them.  You will never be bored again.  Your son will feel free to yell at you when he’s upset with his father.  Your daughter will think that it’s okay to treat you like a servant.  Your husband, freaked out by the new you, will start to hang out in the basement to give you space to vacuum and mop in peace.  You might feel a little sad or even perhaps a tad bit lonely, but just rub the pearls around your neck to remind yourself why you’re making such an effort to be perfect.

You see, perfection through the eyes of society is not hard to achieve.  Sure, it comes with a little price to pay.  Your children lose respect for you as an authority figure.  Your husband avoids you because you’re not the woman he married.  You lose the sense of self and become uncomfortable in your own skin.  Your laughs, your smiles, and your every happiness is not your own but the laundry will be finished, the dishes will be done, and you will look damn good for your husband so you will have fulfilled your obligation to society to be the perfect housewife.