The Empty Chair

I have always hosted big Thanksgiving dinners.  I believe that the best way to honor the holiday is to continue the tradition of sharing a meal with family AND friends.  I can’t begin to count the number of single soldiers that I have welcomed into my home so that they could have a home cooked meal at my table instead of standing in line for a glob of instant mashed potatoes.  I do remember all of their faces though.  I remember the banter, the laughter, their gratitude, and the feeling that I got knowing that I made a tiny difference in their holiday. 

Yesterday, as I stood in my kitchen and watched my guests, I realized how much has changed since the Twin Towers collapsed.  My husband was the only soldier in my home, the remaining 13 people in my home were either women or children.  I realized just how thankful I am for those women.  Three husbands are deployed, one recently deceased, but all of those women were sitting around my table, chatting, laughing, and taking care of their families regardless of the missing men.  Was I that strong during Thanksgiving last year when John was gone?  I don’t think I was.  I think, when I look back on this Thanksgiving in the years to come, I will remember the banter, the laughter, but the gratitude will be my own because those women made a difference in MY holiday.  Family isn’t what DNA we share or which branch of the family tree we sit… family was what I saw last night.  It was the closeness, the togetherness, the love and the memories.

The men that couldn't be there were still honored because among the 30 pounds of turkey, 12 cups of stuffing, 10 pounds of potatoes, two dozen deviled eggs, 25 petite soufflés, 84 ounces of M&M’s, 30 homemade rolls, 5 pounds of candied yams, corn on the cob, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole,  bottles of red and white wine, beer, a gallon of hot apple cider, there was one empty place setting at the head of the table.   Sitting in the chair across from the empty wine glass, empty plate, and untouched utensils was a pair of tan boots, a Kevlar helmet, an M-16 machine gun, and an ACU jacket for the soldiers, and a white candle for Mike Holiday...  The setting was there to honor all of the brave men and women that couldn’t be home for the holidays… either because they are currently deployed ,or because they were sitting at the feet of their God watching over their families on this Thanksgiving. 

Veterans Day

I went to a memorial service yesterday for three men I never knew that were close to my heart.  They were soldiers, killed in the line of duty far from home in a foreign place called Afghanistan.  I went to support my friend.  I went to support my sister Army wives.  I went to pay my respects.  I went to honor their memories.  I went because it was the right thing to do.

These three heroes left the earthly plain almost a month ago, but their loss was still fresh on everyone’s minds, and heavy on their hearts.  There were no flag draped coffins.  At the front of the church, in front of the American flag, there were three helmets upon the pulpit.  There was a soldier there to give a eulogy for each fallen comrade individually.  It’s hard to accept that these soldiers, the men who go and fight for our country, are human beings… and it’s harder still to watch them tear up, or even hold back sobs, when they speak of the brother in arms that they lost.

At the end of a military funeral/memorial service they do what is called the “final roll call”.  The First SGT stood at the front of the church and called out names of other men in the unit…. After each name was called, someone in the pews would respond with “Here First SGT”.  When he got to the names of the dead, there was no response.  He called their names three times, and with each time the silence was more deafening.  John says that the final roll call is to signify that they are still a part of the unit, but they were unable to make the services because they had made the ultimate sacrifice.  That they did.

Today is Veterans Day.  It’s more than an excuse to close your business, take a four day weekend, or to get drunk.  Today has been set aside for a small population of men and women that risk their lives every day, that have given up a piece of their very being –either physically or emotionally- or have sacrificed themselves for something they believed in.  Thank you to ALL Veterans, past and present for standing up to protect me, my family, and my Country.

My Boy of Fall

When I was 17 years old I remember sitting on my dad’s recliner in the living room watching TV.  A Pampers commercial came on and the babies were all cute and squishy.  Then an anti abortion commercial came on, and after that a Baby Your Baby commercial came on.  By the end of that minute and a half, I was bawling like a baby myself.  As I wiped the tears from my eyes, wondering why I was crying over stupid commercials, it occurred to me that I hadn’t had a period in quite some time, and I had been suffering from the “stomach flu” for about a month and a half.  Since then, my kids have always been able to make my eyes well up and overflow with tears on a moment’s notice.  I cried when I sent them off to preschool, elementary school, middle school.. and this year, high school for Jay. 

Yesterday was Jaydan’s last football game.  I’ll admit, they did not have a good season, but they had a good team.  They didn’t go completely defeated, they won one game, but they obviously didn’t do too hot.  Last night they played Mullen HS in Denver.  I’ve been told they are one of the top rated schools in the state.  The entire team was worried, none of them were too sure about themselves, and several of the parents just wanted it to hurry up and start so that it could be over.

The boys amazed us.  It was like it was a completely different team.  They held the other team back for the first half of the game, and while they still lost… they played hard.  I went down to the sidelines after the game was over to help Jaydan with his gear, and the energy down there was amazingly positive and happy.  I looked at Jay and mentioned that they were all in an awfully good mood, and I had about four boys respond excitedly that it was because that was the best game they had ever played.  I heard several of the boys telling the coach that next year, they would come and play down with the freshmen early so that next years team wouldn’t have to suffer like they did. 

Jay rode home with me because he didn’t want to ride all the way home from Denver with a bunch of smelly guys.  Once the bus got back to Rampart, one of his buddies texted him and we went back to the school to turn in Jay’s gear.  I pulled up and he started getting his stuff out of the trunk.  As soon as I parked Kenny Chesney’s “Boys of Fall” came on the radio.  I sat in the car and watched my son with his teammates.  They hugged each other, they talked smack, they laughed, and they helped each other out.  It amazed me that this was the same group of kids that played together way back in September at Gateway HS in Denver.  Back then, they weren’t a team.  They were a hodge podge grouping of children with a similar interest.  There were a few superstars that obviously didn’t understand the concept of teamwork.  There were a few that had never played before.  And there were a few that played but didn’t have enough confidence to bring it forward.  Between then and now those kids grew into a team of hardworking young men with a special bond and memories that nobody that them will ever understand.  And yes, I cried like a baby.

Here is a link to the video to the song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlXDo5WhQXI&ob=av3e

Suburbia

Suburbia

            In the 1950’s June Cleaver set the standard for the American woman.  Today, post Women’s Rights Movement, the perfect woman is expected to have an education, a career, a family, and still have time to look good while doing it all.  Realistically, many women do not believe that there is enough time in the day to do everything that is expected of them, so they will go from one extreme to another.  But, it is possible to be a modern day June Cleaver.  Just follow these simple guidelines and you’ll soon be the poster girl for the Mrs. Suburbia competition, which as you may know, is hosted annually by the Jones’.

Appearance, obviously, is the first step toward transitioning yourself to perfection.  Retire your threadbare jeans, ratty sweatpants, and screen printed T-shirts, from now on you will be wearing nothing but knee length skirts, dress slacks, ugly cardigans and always a pearl necklace.  June Cleaver would be nothing without her pearls, and so would you.  Don’t have the money for a whole new wardrobe?  Not a problem, simply hit up the local Goodwill store and rummage through the racks of Grandma’s cast away clothes.  A good wife is a thrifty wife!  After your attire is suburban appropriate, the next makeover is you.  Letting anyone, including your husband, see you without makeup on should be treated as a capital offense.  Forget about the sloppy ponytails and hooker red lipstick.  From now on it is hair sprayed locks and shimmering lip gloss! 

Husband gets up at 6am you say?  Not a problem… simply set your alarm for an hour sooner, that will give you time to cook breakfast for your family!  Proper nutrition is a very important aspect of keeping your family healthy and happy.  Throw out those boxes of cereal and donate the frozen meals to a neighbor.  From now on, all meals served to your family will be prepared fresh and hot to order.  While you cannot prepare a hot lunch for them while they are at work or school, you must prepare a fresh lunch for them each morning while they eat breakfast.  If they request take out or fast food for dinner, you may secretly be grateful, but, you must pretend to act shocked and disgusted before you give into their whims.  Rest assured the pearls will not clash with the décor at Burger King.

            Simply because you have assimilated into Suburbia you may still reserve the right to cheer at your child’s sporting events; you just have to resist the urge to be obscene.  While it may be tempting to shove the referee’s yellow flag up his ass and out through his nose, violence is strictly prohibited while mimicking the life of a modern day Stepford Wife.  It is best to clap enthusiastically when appropriate, and to shove your hands in your pockets when it is not.  While in the company of other suburban mothers it is best to avoid providing grain for the gossip mill.  Actually, having your child in multiple sports and music lessons will raise your social standing.  If you manage to get your children to football, volleyball, piano lessons, guitar lessons, voice lessons, and Tae Kwon Do without accepting help from your spouse you will be treated with respect by your peers.

            Remember your wants, needs, and desires come second to those of your husbands and children’s.  If you are working on a project of your own and your husband wants to go hiking (for example) you must drop what you’re doing and go hiking for the good of the family.  Wear your pearls if you have to, just as a reminder of why you are doing it.  It doesn’t matter if he’s in better shape than your or if you have to jog to keep up with his long stride, you have to carefully pick your way along the dried out creek beds and animal trails that he chooses and you better pretend to have a good time.  There will be no bitching, complaining, or huffing and puffing about something you cannot change.  And, when you make it to the top of the mountain it won’t matter if you’re too sick from your fear of heights to eat, that simply means there will be more to fill your darling husband’s tummy.

At some point, your friends will start to miss the pre-suburbanite you.  They may make fun of your pearls.  Your children and husband will start to become weary of the new, improved, better dressed and always smiling you.  You, too, may also begin to covet your daughter’s denim blue jeans and your son’s smelly sneakers.  You can peek into the back of the closet at the 5” red “ @#!$ me ” heels that you wore last Valentine’s Day, but do not give into the temptation to throw the pearls into oncoming traffic.  If you take the time to notice, you will see that people around you are starting to treat you differently.  Your friends won’t cut their eyes over to you with weary amusement when they say something like “One slip of my hand and it was all over.”  The employees at the grocery store will come to assist you without you having to hunt them down.  You will notice that people are treating you like a lady.

Once your family members realize that you’re sticking to your plan of becoming the perfect housewife and mother, they will get used to the idea that your sole purpose in life is to spoil them.  You will never be bored again.  Your son will feel free to yell at you when he’s upset with his father.  Your daughter will think that it’s okay to treat you like a servant.  Your husband, freaked out by the new you, will start to hang out in the basement to give you space to vacuum and mop in peace.  You might feel a little sad or even perhaps a tad bit lonely, but just rub the pearls around your neck to remind yourself why you’re making such an effort to be perfect.

You see, perfection through the eyes of society is not hard to achieve.  Sure, it comes with a little price to pay.  Your children lose respect for you as an authority figure.  Your husband avoids you because you’re not the woman he married.  You lose the sense of self and become uncomfortable in your own skin.  Your laughs, your smiles, and your every happiness is not your own but the laundry will be finished, the dishes will be done, and you will look damn good for your husband so you will have fulfilled your obligation to society to be the perfect housewife.

Stepford Wife: Day 7

I'm done.  I'm over it.  There will be no more Stepfording around here... ever.  Truth be told, I started cheating yesterday.  Slept in a little, slacked off on the breakfast thing... cooking wasn't gourmet, but shit got done.  Taking time to reflect I've seen a few changes... one, people get used to being spoiled way too easily, and I fall into spoiling people way too easily.  I never thought I was a willing doormat, and I don't guess I really am because there is only so much I will take.  But is that my own fault?  When Kaitlyn treats me like a servant, when Jaydan yells at me because he's pissed off, when John leaves his dirty dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is clearly open and being loaded.. is that my own fault?  Do I act like Kaitlyn's Mammie?  Am I really afraid of Jaydan's teenage hormones that I allow him to yell at me?  Do I really cater to John so much that he simply assumes that I'll run around after him like a toddler?  I think maybe it is so.  I think maybe I am a doormat.  Really, not a whole lot changed in my behavior over the week, except that I dressed nicer, did my hair/make up, and got up to cook breakfast, oh, and held my temper a little more so than usual.  But today, when I was trying to play around with Kaitlyn's hair to get it Marilyn'd she was treating me with such disdain and disrespect that I lost my shit.  I ripped the curlers out of her hair and stormed out of the house.  I guess asking a full 7 days of holding my temper was too much to ask!

The Wash Cloth

While in my creative nonfiction class today, we had a writing prompt in honor of Halloween.  We were asked to write about a personal ghost story, or something that just really scared the crap out of us.  I decided to write about one of the first ghosts I ever interacted with... and I thought I would share it here.

My Grandma was not your typical grandmother.  She didn't knit sweaters or bake cookies... she cussed you and out and threw knives at you.  So, you can imagine my anxiety when I was told that we were going to live at Grandma's house when I was in middle school.

One night, when both of my parents were working, I started to feel very ill.  I decided to go to bed and piled tons of blankets on top of myself.  I remember wondering how it was possible to shiver with cold, and be sweating profusely at the same time. 

At some point in the night, my grandma came into the room.  She sat at the foot of my bed and looked at me.  I smiled inwardly when I heard her mumble "Anuk".  She leaned over and put her cool hand on my forehead.  That had was so soothing, so refreshing, that it could only be likened to a cool drink of water in the summer time.  She left the room, but returned momentarily with a cool wet wash cloth.  She placed it on my forehead, and stayed with me until dawn when my fever broke.  I fell asleep, and I slept hard for a few more hours.

When I woke up, I went upstairs to get a drink.  Grandma was sitting at the head of the table, like she always did, I kissed her on the cheek and thanked her.

"For what?"

"For taking care of me last night."

"What are you talking about? I just got home!" (She was still working at the 4 Queens at the time)

She sat there at the table, eyes wide and face pale, as I recounted the night to her.  She got up and went into her room, and came back with an old photograph of herself in a silver frame.

"Is this who was in your room last night?"

"Yes, Grandma, that is you."

"No," she whispered, "that's my mother.  You sleep in her room!"

I went downstairs a short time later to get dressed.  My heart skipped a beat when I looked and saw the wet washcloth folded next to my pillow.

Stepford Wife: Day 6

Wow.. I sucked at Stepfording today.  Nobody got breakfast.  The house did not get cleaned.  I didn't drive my kid to music class, and I only stayed for a minute at the middle school for what was supposed to be a volleyball game but turned out to be a practice.  I got bitchy with my husband and I had an overall pissy attitude all day.  In all fairness, I woke up feeling like I got run over by a steam roller in a shit field.  I fell asleep last night around 10, and when my alarm went off at 5 this morning I reset it to 6.  When I finally rolled out of bed, my head was throbbing, I felt sick to my stomach and my kidneys were killing me.  I forced myself out of bed at 6 and made sure that the kids were up and moving.  I drove Jay to school and when I got home I curled up in a ball on the couch.  John was still sleeping, and since he never gets to sleep in I didn't want to bother him.  I felt bad though, he was in the middle of talking to me once he got up and I fell asleep again.  Oh well, I guess that was my body telling me that I'm NOT a robot... no matter how hard I try.  I just hope  I don't miss the Fools Ball games this weekend because I'm suffering from another damn kidney infection!